Wednesday, January 22, 2014

This Too Will Pass

                     Everything I've put inside myself will soon be coming out

                     My body might resemble an inverted water spout

                     "Good things will come to those who wait", and I'm receiving mine

                     They're just about to put a camera where the sun don't  shine.

The time has finally come for me to face the facts. My colonoscopy is Friday morning and nothing I can do will make that change. It didn't bother me in the least when I made the appointment before Thanksgiving so it should not bother me now. I should be glad that there are procedures available to "catch" things before they  have a chance to become serious.

I started thinking about the various procedures I have gone through over the past few years. I remember the pictures of my brain that I was given after they completed scanning for the tumor. They gave me a large envelope with 125 pictures of my brain and told me I should keep them in my car.

I'm still not sure why they recommended traveling with this information, but I did as I was told for a few years. I remember imagining being pulled over by a traffic cop and being questioned. He would have told me that I had done something stupid and wondered if I had a brain in my head. Aha! That must have been what my doctor had been thinking of. I could go to my trunk and pull out the envelope. I had proof positive that I did in fact possess a brain; I had everything from billfold size up to 8"x10". I had in my possession indisputable evidence!

I kid about a lot of things, but I also realize the importance of regular checkups. I have dodged more than one bullet by being tested and I'm not about to stop now.

Tomorrow morning I will start on my Jello and chicken broth diet. Later in the evening I will begin consuming three to four liters of TriLyte solution. From what I have been told, I should not venture far from home afterward. I have total confidence in my doctor and the procedure. But, I will let you know how it all comes out.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Voice Mail

                           We thank you for your patience and how can we assist?
                            I wish we could replace the hour of your life you missed
                           We hate to keep you waiting, or at least that's what we say
                            The truth is we can keep you on the phone almost all day.
I have been paying my bills online for quite a while. I have found this to be more convenient than buying stamps and walking to a mailbox. This also allows me to control the date that the payment comes out of my bank account. I no longer have to worry if my deposit will arrive before the withdrawal is made.

However, there have been times when the online process hasn't gone as smoothly as I would have wanted. During those times I have had to deal with something that I despise. I have had to deal with voice mail! My most recent experience was with my local cable company.

After an answering machine told me how valued a customer I was, I was placed on hold. I'm not sure how long I was left in this "cable purgatory", but I will admit to thinking about the professor and Marty McFly. I was wondering if they could have traveled to the past and "convinced" the creator of voice mail to just drop the idea and allow someone with an actual heartbeat to assist us.

After listening to roughly one half hour of continuous advertising ( broken up by regular assurances that a customer service rep would soon be with me), I remembered something that I was told right off the bat. I was told that the conversation might be recorded. Here was my chance to have free advertising. I would promote Mr. Joe: Tales of a Haunted Life.

I started by telling them that my sister and I had co-authored my memoir and told them where it is available. I then gave them a short summary of the book before starting to read from it. I think I was starting the second chapter when an actual person answered the phone. They asked how they could help me so I told them I would be with them as soon as I finished reading the page that I was currently on. That did not go over so well, but I have to admit it made me smile.

Promoting our book seems to be as difficult as writing it was. But, I think I might have found a partial solution. I have talked about it to my cable company, my gas and electric company and also the department of public works. Maybe this "voice mail thing" can also be used to the customer's advantage. I can see it now: Mr. Joe, coming to a voice mail near you.